Since centuries the role of matrimony has been discussed, dissected and discoursed upon, ad nauseam! Since time immemorial philosophers, poets, religious leaders, spiritualists, psychologists and social anthropologists alike have tried to solve the mystery question to what constitutes a happy matrimony. Cynics have even called that phrase an impossible oxymoron. However, the office of marriage still thrives amidst every culture and people still want to know, “What are the secrets to a guaranteed happy marriage?”
Good news and bad news! The bad news (actually not!) is that there is no given secret formula to it. The good news is every couple has the secret within their own unique dynamic to make it so, IF they put in effort to maintain certain psychological and emotional wellness of the relationship.
Equality
In most pockets of India, even today the man and the woman within marriage are not considered equals. However, a marriage is a bond between two equal shareholders. A matrimony where both partners aren’t self assured enough to treat the other person as their equal, without feeling threatened or defensive, is bound to undergo deterioration over time.
In our culture, people at times quote ancient religious texts and mythologies at times to justify the lesser or subservient role of a wife to her husband. But every Indian groom and bride must also remember the equally opposite legacy of “equality within marriage”, depicted in the same ancient texts. Our Puranas clearly talk about Shiva and Shakti being equal and same. In any wedlock, that same essence needs to be recreated for a mutually respectful and happy long haul.
Friendship
The greatest emotional foundation to a Happy Marriage is – surprise! – not great chemistry, nor family affluence, nor any other version of compatibility – rather it’s ‘Friendship’. In Buddhism there’s a beautiful word for Love, called Maitri. Maitri essentially means ‘Loving Friendliness’ that one holds, feels and deliberately practices towards their object of Love. Imagine if you first and foremost forge a deep friendship with your spouse, and are committed to treat him or her as your Best Friend, how easy the rest of the matrimonial nuances would automatically become. Things that you would never do to your best friend now translates into things you would never even feel like doing within the sacred wedlock. Hurt, manipulative behaviors, abuse, violence in speech or action, losing interest, betrayal, cheating – some if these potent marriage killers by default lose out moment partners build their matrimonial life in a deep friendship with each other.
Compassion
To have compassion for anyone implies extending them your patient listening, your tolerant understanding, your proactive presence to ease their struggles in every manner. In every culture, all religious leaders and cultural voices have hailed Compassion as a vital game changer for everything in life. Same goes for a happy married life. Practicing compassion towards one’s spouse doesn’t equate to pitying them as weak but to treat them as one’s own self and be there for them as one would fit themselves. This psychological stance radically strengthens any wedding bond.
Non reaction
No, we aren’t talking about passive aggressive non-reaction or silent treatment! We are talking about a calm and detached objectivity that can save any relationship from every interpersonal crisis, more so within a marriage relationship. Hasty judgments, hissing jealousy, incorrect conclusions drawn and reactive speeches have ruined more marriages than any other practical issues. For both partners to develop an attitude of calm non-reaction and “Practising the Pause” before addressing an issue goes a long way in forging deeper trust, better communication and more effective partnership.
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